Continuing in the Battle

What a weekend of unexpected heart pruning, learning and growing this has been! Emotionally, I am exhausted but experiencing the beginnings of a sweet sense of renewal and restoration.

Friday, I stepped out in posting something quite personal for a Favorite Five. From the first letter I typed on the screen, there was a place deep inside that shuddered at the thought of someone misunderstanding my intent. I hit publish despite the fear, in the faith that my heart would be seen.

Within that same hour, another situation happened in my life. I acted in faith that my heart would be seen by a friend. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I was misunderstood. My desire was so desperately to encourage and to bless. Apparently, it came across entirely different.

The pain of being misunderstood left me in tears and afraid, wanting to hide for fear I would continue to do or say the wrong things. I was entering a place that Satan likes to try to get me. One of isolation so as to not disturb anyone else's world.

In the pain and discouragement of that experience, my thoughts went to my Friday's Fave Five post. I couldn't stand the thought of being so misunderstood happening twice in one day with someone misunderstanding the intent of my post as well. It was a risk I wasn't willing to take. My heart didn't feel it was strong enough to take.

I deleted the post.

The things is, my post had been up long enough for some feed readers to capture it. Some people read it. They contacted me. God used their words to bolster my spirit and encourage the hurting part in me.

As I sit back now and examine it, I realize perhaps I should have been prepared for the situation. When I think of the ways I was encouraged last week, all five of them are because I was willing to step out and take a risk. I was willing to completely be myself in an effort to reach others, to touch something personal in their heart as I gave personally of mine.

Now it makes perfect sense why that would be a target area for the enemy. Wound deep. Make the cost seem too personally painful to endure. Allow the sacrifice to appear worthless, and even damaging in itself. Cause retreat, into isolation of self.

Time spent weeping at the foot of the cross, words from friends like you who saw my retreating heart and encouraged me to move forward, and a strong will to not be taken down has caused me to once again take action.

I have wiped the tears. I have sat and listened to the affirming love of my Jesus for me, for who I am... strengths and weaknesses both. I have taken your extended hands of encouragement and grace to once again stand.

I am brushing off. I am bandaging my wounds. I have checked my own heart motives. I am moving forward in faith.

I will not retreat, will not be defeated, will not give up, will not withdraw from the battle. There is work to be done and I am not afraid to do it! I am on my feet. I am continuing in the battle.