Who Am I Kidding... A New Normal?

When I close my eyes I envision:
~ set schedules
~ planned agendas
~ words to write
~ times to post
~ things we can share

Oh how often I have come here to this place vowing to do just that.  And intentions start good.  But it doesn't take but a few weeks, and sometimes days or even moments, when life once again takes over.  As much as I'd like to promise and even complete those things, other things find themselves rising to the top of my lists.  Things like...

~ our oldest making college decisions and leaving home in just 3-4 short months (be still my mommy heart)
~ continuing to navigate the growing and learning and needs of our other two and all that encompasses their days
~ doors being opened to pour out of our lives into those of others
~ and realizing that some days 4 hours spent over a cup of coffee with a single mom speaking life and encouragement into her soul is the best use of my time in that moment
~ or accompanying my husband to the auto parts store and then to the home of a single woman who has no money to fix her car or have it fixed.  Yes, another chunk of my time gone, but better spent no other way.

And then I close my eyes and envision:
~ set schedules
~ planned agendas
~ words to write
~ times to post
~ things we can share 

Who am I kidding?

As much as I remember the days that allowed me to spend more time here, those days were yesterday and today is a new day.  As much as I'd like to spend more time here, that time finds itself wrapped around my children, my husband, those God is placing in my path who just need a little lovin' on for His sake.

Now, don't get me wrong!  I still close my eyes and dream of quiet moments spent here to get the thoughts that constantly whir through my brain into some formalized and thought out pattern on a page.

And they will come!

However, what I am learning is that I can't promise when that will be.  Or how often that will be.  Much as my heart would love to do that, my reality is causing choices to be made, and life finds me in the midst of change...

Again.
Still.

I am finding that consistency and sameness can be promised to nothing and no one.  I dream of returning to some sense of normalcy.

But then I realize that the more I pray for God to teach me how to love Him and others and to use me to be "dangerous" for Him and His Kingdom, the farther away I get from my plans, and my routines, and my schedules, and my agenda... my sense of normalcy. 

And somehow, I am becoming more and more at ease with that...

And maybe, just maybe, that is becoming my new normal?  Being comfortable in His agenda, and all the bends, curves, and changes that His path includes.  Not knowing what my next step will look like.  Just having the faith and courage to push forward and take it...