It was Christmas time. As she was watching special programming on television, she realized she had a sin nature and wanted to be forgiven from those sins. She asked Jesus to forgive her and to come and live inside of her. She would never forget that day or that moment that God answered the simple, yet very sincere, request and prayer of her heart.
As this little girl grew older, she began to near the age of being a teenager. Her protected and cocooned world began to become an entirely different world. Her feelings of security and safety were shattered. Her perceptions of peace and harmony fled. Things about her life changed and she was greatly affected.
She couldn't understand the changes. She was grieved, saddened and perplexed at what was taking place. She became angry at God. She had given her heart to Him. How could He now take it and be so careless with it? Why was He letting these things happen to her? Wasn't she supposed to be His child? Why was He allowing her to be so hurt?
Time had passed. This little girl was older now. The confusion and chaos of her soul only deepened. She felt she had lost all control and now needed to regain it in order to have her soul survive. Her anger at God grew. If God was allowing her to be hurt, she decided she would show Him just how it felt!
She set out to hurt God, not realizing in the process she was only hurting herself even more. In her anger and attempts to regain control, she was only spiraling more out of control. The chaos increased and the pain deepened. Not because of what was now happening in her world... but because of choices she was making herself.... all in an effort to be in control.
As the years passed she was destroyed in her soul and spirit. She was not who she used to be or who she even wanted to be. She was done...
She desperately wanted to seek the only one she knew could bring her from this deep pit she found herself in. She knew she was wrong and had wronged the one who loved her most. She wanted to restore that relationship. Fear caused her to hesitate.
Her own hurt had left such a deep wound in her heart. Would God, the one she had purposely set out to hurt, forgive her? Would He still love her? How could He??? She had been angry at her very creator and had deliberately made choices to cause pain. Why would He choose to restore a relationship? She certainly didn't deserve it!
She knew many others had made poor choices against God out of the not knowing. She had intentionally made each and every one of her choices. Didn't that make it different? Didn't that make it more severe? Didn't that make it unforgivable??? There was only one way to find out. She asked.
He met her in the very darkest places of her heart. She invited Him into the ugliest of uglies in her spirit. He accepted each invitation to enter. He never refused the offer. He touched each wound and the healing started.
Through the counsel and wisdom of many others, and in her own diligent seeking, she once again found a loving Heavenly Father that loved her unconditionally. She found forgiveness. She found mercy and grace. She found healing. She found a relationship restored.
A relationship that is perhaps more honest than it might have been had her world not turned upside down. A relationship more real and open than a protected childhood might have provided. A relationship that those years of heartache have now instilled and confirmed that she is not in control, nor should she be.
Her own choices are far from good. She needs her God. She needs His love and affirmation. She needs the personal relationship that cuts to the very inner parts of her being, that holds her accountable, that loves her despite her own self.
This young girl has now grown into a woman. She has since encountered many more rocky roads and valleys on her journey. There have been situations where the deepest parts of her begged for control for fear of a bleeding heart once again.
However, the lessons learned in the years past have taught her that the very best place to leave her heart is in her Father's hands. He must retain control for her ultimate soul survival.
And so, in the middle of some of her darkest moments... her heart has remained. In the remaining... more of God's plans, sovereignty, character and heart have been revealed.
This little girl, now woman, has learned to be grateful for those experiences she encountered as a child and along the way. For it is each of those moments that have defined, strengthened and made this girl who she is today. There are blessings and gifts to be found in the middle of those dark, dreary roads of time past.
She is walking a journey. Not always an easy one. Not always one that makes sense. Not always one that is the most desirable. Her heart still sometimes bleeds. Scars are present to show where previous bleeding has occurred.
And yet, she would be the first one to tell you that on her journey... she has NEVER been left to walk it alone! She can point to specific situations and moments where God was revealing His presence, even in those moments she was most angry at Him.
She wouldn't trade her experiences for anything... for it is in those experiences that she has met God. It is in those moments that she has come to know Him and His character.
Like that young girl, do you find yourself at the end? Do you long for truth, forgiveness and acceptance? Do you fear it won't be granted? Do you think it can't be?
Don't believe it! Search for it! Go to Him! He is there waiting. He will forgive. There is hope for a future... with Him! Nothing is too big or too shocking for my God!
How do I know?.... I am that girl.
(If you would like to share or talk more privately, my e-mail link can be found in the contact tab at the top of the page.)
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